The insufferable fantasy world of online dating just got worse.
The shimmering neon banner is just too vivid not to pique the interest of the average single person navigating the tedious quandary created by the transformation of modern dating into an indescribable void, because brain draining devices are just too trendy in replacing polite conversation and social interaction. “Simply swipe right to find love,” the catchy and misleading slogan resounds from high above the gravity well in completely mischaracterizing the vicious rinse and repeat cycle of an emotional vomit comet ride of triumph and rejection, until the battered psyche ultimately finds respite within the baseline tenets conceptually parallel to the idea of settling.
The trials and tribulations of digital dating, the slapstick highlight reels of the millions worthy of a viral YouTube montage subject to extreme mental gymnastics and mind game dramas and placement in a Tim Dorsey novel, are about to reach achieve a new level of abject tomfoolery, as the linchpin of the social networking world has decided to team up with Cupid and forever dooming the mating instinct. After prying into every other aspect of personal life, Mark Zuckerberg wishes to blatantly leer into the bedroom window, with as much subtlety and zany creepiness as an overzealous neighborhood voyeur, reports CBS news. F***book has officially unleashed the ultimate sex ledger and carnal data collection service upon the American people, as the launch of a dating app from the nebula-sized social network of the Milky way, will match inadvertently desperate singles in a cyber orgy of warped algorithms, hacking espionage intrigue and billions of dollars. The culmination of the hedonistic feast burning a dazzling lineup of buxom Ukrainian beauties hijacked from personal devices and “secure” databases onto the collective cerebral cortex, will reinforce the basic internet thermodynamic commandment that men will always outnumber women by a ratio of at least ten to one in the digital dating zoo, a figure that society can be proud of.
If the endeavor is moderately successful in compromising user privacy and followed by a couple of sordid tragedies demanding coverage on Dateline and the Lifetime network, the profits earned in capturing a portion of the $12 billion global dating app marketplace, can offset the monetary sanctions and legal costs of anti-trust legislation. Even though the fines are a drop in the bucket for an entity that claims to enroll a global user base of 2.2 billion.
Apparently, wary singles of the swipe right phenomenon which leads down a wavering surreal trapdoor propelled by hope and imagination and in the blink of an eye a casual rendezvous 1oo miles from home ends brutally savage in a small town alley way and may or may not involve extortion and the Cartel. At least from a reliable brand plagued by the big brother scenario, data breaches and the selling of personal data by F***book is the lesser of two evils when evaluated against the performance and reputation of stand alone e-dating services. No Jim, Svetlana, who claims to be from Boise, Idaho is not real, and as much as you would like to believe that the image of the blonde chemical engineer diva responding with personalized sweet nothings, securing an actual first date will cost at least the complete liquidation of a life’s savings, and probably involve gun play.
Ironically, the two most prominent data apps on the marketing, Bumble and Tinder, curiously require a F***book account for identification and other ulterior motive purposes in verifying the registration process. As the name of the game for techie information archive specialists is sharing, as clarified in the ambiguous “Terms and conditions” 348 page document, it should be of no surprise that compatibility and matches are influenced by base scenario of one account holder simply posting a short write-up and associated photos of a camping trip, and another pontificating about love for the outdoors.
Prospective users of the F***book dating app will have to create a separate account from their main profile, though information will be utilized from their wall, preferences, and history to populate a list of potential matches. The lingering stench of subversion incredulity and exploitation is already permeating from corporate servers and is a testament to the stagnant online matchmaker realm, as the token 100 hundred or so attractive, available*, and legitimate women in each metropolitan area are regular suspects spanning the diverse array of data platforms.
Cagily opportunistic, recalcitrant, and remarkably unflappable thanks to a prevalence of naivety, Zuckerberg, and the release of his love bot matchmaking enterprise coincides with yet another security blunder by the social network behemoth. Allegedly, sources from TechCrunch revealed that the phone numbers of 400 million F***book users were accessible to the predators of the web on an insecure server. The compromised database may or may not consist of entirely of women in taking the idea of “getting her number” to new heights, and scoring a badge of honor for a solitary software engineer rigging the online game of love. On the internet, anything is possible, but this is just plain ridiculous.
I love you Olga! Here is my bank account number, a copy of my birth certificate, and a transcript from a recent conversation I had with an aviation military defense contractor. But please tell my family and friends we met in the county jail and not on F***book love.
Read the CBS news story here.