The retro operations of Santa’s workshop before the heartless stamp of Silicon valley monetized the logistics of Christmas.
Cue The Nutcracker score as a wispy curtain of dissolves into nothingness. Human and robots dance around the stage as a jagged mountain range of icebergs persists in the crystal backdrop…
With the dainty translucent tip-toeing of the sugar plum ferry, the ethereal and magical bells of the Christmas spirit gently transfixed somewhere amidst the soul represents the brash metamorphosis to a digital economy from the retail mall rush frenzy of Black Fridays come and gone. The ballet dancers whisk around the stage and interact with a formidable mouse and nutcracker soldiers in a fusion of blurred movement and colors, stirring visions of family and gifts. The celebration abruptly ceases, as an army of trucks and delivery personnel invade the choreographed madness of a winter wonderland.
Santa Claus, meet Jeff Bezos. Jeff Bezos, meet old St. Nick.
A clash between the two formidable Christmas entities was always inevitable, especially in the wake of the Amazon empire evolving to a deity status thanks to classic values being cashed in for shiny Chinese knockoff devices. On the already crowded holiday pedestal, are negotiations possible to preserve the spirit of the season and bridge the generation gap between a simple working existence, and the surplus comforts prompted by the digital revolution?
The subsequent discussions between the mismatched pair of gift moguls in a UN style of gaudy diplomacy, rivals the drama laden hijinks of 1980’s SALT negotiations hosted within the quiet solitude and crafted neutrality of selected European capitals. The ramifications from the talks between the holiday powerbrokers will certainly alter the near future of society, consumerism, and Christmas. A fate that is hopefully conducive to the uplifting and enlightening spirit of the Reagan legacy in ousting the cosmopolitan caginess of Gorbachev, assuming the reputation of Baku cracks the Conde Nast traveler honorable mention poll. The match-up pairing Jeff and Santa transcends the good and evil debate, but pits the pratfalls of instant gratification against tradition.
One dignitary arrives by a modified older generation leased Boeing 767 cargo series jumbo jet, while the other manipulates the fabric of space and time in a quantum sleigh immune to the rigors of time and the gravity of stress. A group of climate justice warriors amassed at the airport terminal and brandishing smartphones with the Prime app activated in automated shopping mode curiously applaud the dinosaur apparatus of the Amazon fleet “heavy” making a crosswind landing, and heartily aim their dismay at the four tandems of reindeer levitating above the foyer at the nearby hotel. As in real life, the collective grasp of science and thermodynamics is appalling, as fact is only deployed if the latest flavor of the month agenda requires a nudge of idealism.
Noticeably absent from the onset of the intense negotiations between the Bezos and the leader of the free North pole are toy trains and dolls, as Santa has successfully adapted to the era of limitless smartphones and devices at least for now, facilitating an epic level of productivity that is not sustainable with the existence of the Amazon infrastructure, so convenient and vast. The only difference matters is that Santa cares, while Bezos doesn’t, and Christmas morning is a perpetually hard deadline for parcels and presents. The leader of Amazon may promise through a complex series of algorithms and bot elves that delivery is guaranteed in exchange for milk and cookies, but it is a sobering inevitability that a dissatisfied customer is forced to face the humility of interacting with a service rep in Indonesia through online check as to inquire where exactly on the globe is the Hummingbird necklace that was ordered two week before the beneath the tree deadline. A sordid scenario that kids ages 1 to 92 never had to face with the steadfast reliability of Kris Kringle, before the abrupt onset of the information age. But accountability is a quality absent throughout the legions of minions to the addicted to smartphones, and the economic trends illustrate an unfounded trust.
The sharp uptick of digital orders and profit margins echoes a logarithmic curve that would make any red blooded person with a knowledge of big picture system dynamics cringe, only manages to taint a glorified past. With the presence of limitless framework, a galactic endeavor onto itself like a dizzying series of Matryoshka dolls, this can’t go on, and something has to give.
The 2019 fiscal year, will mark another record breaking effort for the largest delivery conglomerate within the proximal parsec quadrant, and hypothetically, the shear volume and net mass of the bustling operation is in all probability visible from light years away as the space-time continuum is gracelessly torn with dancing and darting wavelengths of light alerting any non-terrestrial lifeforms in blatant and loud fashion that humanity exists. Advantage ET, if the younger generations fail to shed the cocoons of introverted blind sentiment and embrace reality rather than the persistent, yet untenable electronic matrix of dreams.
With blistering revenues and growing infrastructure, the behemoth of massive strategic retail operations is exploring various channels to become permanently ingrained within the home, an art that Santa mastered nearly 17 centuries ago. The propensity of Amazon to launch and aggressively market the infamous Alexa interface, and experiment with such questionable programs as actual in- home package deliveries with couriers literally given the key to the front door of a residence, threatens the very basis of sensibility and privacy, the latter concept undervalued and near extinction with the explosion of social media. As the reliance on digital technology exterminates the remaining free thinking minority, redundancy is vanquished to the obscure corners of the planet, and the population is left extremely vulnerable during internet outages, or interruptions in utility services. The Green movement forceful gravitation towards alternative energy sources, and the demonization of fossil fuels, only exacerbates the possible headache of epic angst as the reliable traditional energy proves ineffective thanks to overengineering spurred by the visceral and not the practical tenets of efficient design.
Ironically, the yearly amount of energy required to power the Jeff Bezos regime striving for delivery perfection, including the digital storefront comprised of hundreds of millions of accounts accessed through multiple devices by the average user is of such a massive exponential magnitude, that the environmental footprint, or more aptly, the global climate body slam signature Ric Flair savage wrestling maneuver, could keep the lights in a medium-sized nation for decades. Also, the trendy hipsters have deemed the classical celebration of Christmas as intolerant and regressive towards the progressive brainwashing efforts in societal engineering. In layman terms with the expenditure in energy from orders and deliveries and the presence of insidious rhetoric, Oprah’s ego could be electronically held in check for a weekend. A universal wish never to be granted to a dying breed of reasonable individuals.
Santa simply cannot compete with the expertly manicured innovative hypocrisy of a corporate organism that is able to adapt to the ever changing technology of the future shock nightmare second act marked by pure convenience and satisfaction. And he is angry beyond to a level triggered by radio stations playing Christmas music only formats the day after Thanksgiving.
The gift factories peppering the frozen wasteland of the Arctic halfway between Canada and Russia are not equipped to handle the toxic waste levels accumulated from manufacturing softscreens, polymers, computer chips, lithium ion batteries and solid state circuitry. Couple this with Santa’s aversion to outsourcing industry operations to China and third world countries, and the shifting balance of power within the Christmas business model is explainable, though tragically disheartening. Once a robust
Apparently, the unspoken texting and digital interacting masses are no longer comfortable with a spirit spelunking down their chimney, and instead prefer a distant cousin of the HAL-9000 homicidal computer brazenly invading every aspect of life, including those moments that are unmentionable in polite conversation. However, that’s the epitome of the newly rebranded spirit of Christmas, which is a light year’s cry from a holiday parade with a reliable corporate sponsor that a Geiger counter is needed to measure the fallout from the bombastic ICBM assault on morality, decency, and timelessness.
Hopefully, the pretended Christmas town hall debate for the future of sanity featuring the ultimate holiday decision makers will alleviate the convoluted and ambiguous vibes marring December celebrations, and tearing society apart through a confusing sinuous traverse embracing the surreal, and not the old fashioned consensus of last minute gifts. The internecine of family momentarily forgotten near a warm fire with is savagly rekindled.
At one point Bezos was probably human, and certainly a child, two marks on the vulnerability checklist that the king of Christmas has at his disposal in attempting to reinfuse a sense of holiday justice, and restore the reputation of the retail market to a wholesome and meaningful level. The nutcrackers and Reindeer are valiant warriors, but even legends of the make believe wonder have their price, a threshold that cannot even be deterred by a forever undelivered gift.
BTW- The gift has still not arrived, even though it is a state of “advanced shipping”. What a sobering culmination of the holidays when weighing the cherished against an unfeeling anthill of futuristic nightmares.